Springs of Joy: My fallow time PDF Print E-mail
Friday, 18 November 2011 15:09

BY Jane dela Cruz Bascar

If somebody had told me prior to my personal experience of the same that recovering from a surgery dubbed routine and common would be this slow,  uncomfortable, and painful, I’d have been skeptical. Because nobody told me exactly what to expect or what I was setting up myself for, (which, on hindsight is probably a blessing since I was spared the unnecessary anxiety) I bravely went into surgery convinced that all I needed was to be strong for it. In fact, I prided and congratulated myself for staying calm, cool, collected and “brave” right up to the moment I slid myself onto the operating table and then promptly passed out. I thought that was the extent of the bravery that was called for.  Boy, was I wrong. 

Before my surgery, I had this mistaken notion that the recovery period would be a breeze. I’d settle into this relaxed, comfortable and familiar rhythm and would have ample time to work on some shelved projects and hobbies and my other unfinished business. I thought I could use this fallow time and turn it into a very productive period with these grand plans: tick things off my bucket list like writing my masterpiece at last, working on my scrapbooks, corresponding more frequently with my friends, properly filing my documents, clearing out and discarding stuff I no longer use, etc. etc. I thought I could simply carry on with my routine – like this weekly column - without skipping a beat. It never crossed my mind that I’d be too weak to even entertain such thoughts. .

What is it that people say? “If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.” Well, She must have had a good laugh over my feeble, puny and failed attempts to begin in earnest all that I have planned. It took me almost a month to even get back to writing this column. That explains why the best I could manage these past weeks was share excerpts from other authors’ works.

Really, nothing prepared me for the post-op: the pain, the lethargy, the slow motion, the sluggish movements of both my body and my brain… Post-op, the days seem to stretch on to forever with no end in sight. Each day seems to merge seamlessly with the one preceding it and one that comes after it because there appears to be nothing remarkable about each. I didn’t prepare for the boredom, the languor and listlessness, the melancholy, the helplessness and dependence. At first, I tried keeping a painstaking watch over my progress and to commit everything to memory: Day 1 at home, trouble sleeping; Day 2, anxious over sneezing and coughing and the excruciating pain that followed them; Day 5, hitting an emotional rock bottom; Day 6, off medication…  Day 14, finally able to stand unassisted and so on. After a while, however, with nothing extra significant to mark each passing day, I simply lost track and lost interest in keeping track of my progress.

Honestly, it is extremely difficult to remain tranquil in the face of such ennui, uncertainty and non-doing. But it is doubly more difficult to continue to steadfastly believe that despite the absence of anything spectacular happening to me, there in the invisible realm which is the most fertile ground for the fruition of all my desires, where dreams take root and shape before bursting forth into my real (?) world – everything is working out as it should be and for my best interests. Truthfully, the greatest challenge for me right now is to embrace this fallow time while firmly believing that although my physical limitations render me physically helpless to influence the events around me, I never cease to co-create the circumstances that surround me or my reality. Not even in this fallow time where nothing seems to stirring, much less, growing or coming to life. And so I must teach myself to remain unwavering and unfaltering in my belief that while my present circumstances may show evidence to the contrary, all is actually well in God’s world. When I am able to do this, hopefully I can come out of this experience with renewed if not greater faith and trust than I started out with in the One who keeps our world together and always, always gives us what’s best for us. 

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